There comes a time in the life of a blogger, when the writer must earn their stripes. For some, it was willfully ingesting Heinz purple EZ Squirt to the chagrin of friends and family. For others, the oral sacrifice to a thousand Warheads. And now, today, I have succumbed to a higher, mintier power: Crest Be.
Crest Be. The only toothpaste to co-opt the imperative command. It begs you to raise your potential, try new things. It’s inspired by adjectives chiefly utilized by people who want to skydive, but would prefer to have a desktop background of skydiving instead. When inspirational quotes outweigh actual inspiration, and your iPod is filled with Brad Paisley and six duplicates of ‘We Are Young’. It’s the backwash of excitement, the second-hand smoke of thrill. It’s fucking toothpaste.Crest Be comes in three flavors: Be Inspired, vanilla mint, Be Dynamic, lime zest mint, and the motherload of mouth foam, Be Adventurous, mint chocolate chip. Together, they feature a color palate straight out of a mid-level corporate bathroom scheme- soap and all.Be Inspired is the least offensive of the flavors. Vanilla mint is a fairly pedestrian taste, not a far cry from the tried and true combination of menthol cigarettes and ice cream, but there is a pervasive sweetness to the paste that lingers on the teeth. The effect is somewhat counterproductive in light of the purpose- it feels saccharine. Be Inspired, though, is a pasty delicacy compared to Be Dynamic. Lime mint is concentrated into a goo a mere chomp away from napalm, related to dynamism only in its strikingly abrasive acidity. Specifically, it tastes like a potent shot of powdered lemonade and an herb garden. It’s intense enough to scare away the plaque. But it’s Be Adventurous that takes the cake- a little too literally, with a rich, dark cocoa flavor and a stark resemblance to mint chocolate chip ice cream, in ooze form. Each is special. Each is odd. They’re too clinical to seem like novelty toothpastes, but they’re too idiosyncratic to make you feel clean, like novelty underwear. The line is exuberant, but will look awfully ironic atop a clearance shelf six months from now. Still, a compelling concept. What do the Crest Be’s of 2015 hold in a post-debt bubble world? Be Tentative? Be Complacent? Be A Communications Major? Either way, it leaves a bit of a bad taste in my mouth and more than a few questions.