I hate Christmas shopping. Even though I’ve whittled down all but 20% of it to online shopping, leaving my neighbors constantly curious as to whether I’m in a drug cartel or the Make A Wish Foundation, it’s still an irksome chore. The expectations are too high. What do I want for Christmas? I want to feel genuine satisfaction, the kind that comes from inner peace and self-acceptance. So the Cinzia Rocca jacket and tub of popcorn isn’t going to cut it. But I bought gifts for people, anyway, braving the crowds of the BLEEP for the privilege of elbowing a pinch-faced woman in the chin for the last BLEEP on the shelf and waiting in line, only to make small talk with the cashier about specials on BLEEP. I forgot my mother reads this blog. Well, Mom, enjoy your BLEEP this year.
To mollify the pain and suffering I went through to confirm to my loved ones that I do indeed know their birthstones, favorite authors, and blood type, I decided to buy myself my first custom suit. Charcoal grey, super 120, and bespoke with colored thread on the buttonholes, sparing me the indignity of mumbling ‘yes, I’d like the boyfriend blazer,’ at J. Crew when interviews roll around. And on my way home from the gym, just to ensure the measurements were consistent, I stopped by Wendy’s to try their new Spicy Chipotle Jr. Cheeseburger.On the way home, I remembered two things. One was that this burger wasn’t really new, but had been tossed around and tested since 2011. The other thing was that, for the umpteenth year in a row, I decided to fritter away my bra and undershirt budget on BLEEPS. Oops. I have an aversion to buying new bras and undershirts. I’m brand loyal, and for some reason, they’re the two things that I insist on buying in-store, even though I could just as easily order them both online. I reuse them until they look like literal garbage or the new John Galliano collection. It’s shameful.In that sense, this burger was analogous to my suit. Great on the outside, with a steamed, soft bun, and compact. The burger had six slices of jalapeno, a thick slice of cheese, and a generous helping of sauce atop a fairly juicy patty. But under the layers, it was a little messy and in need of some help. Despite the usage of three peppers, the burger barely registered above ‘spiced’ in terms of heat. By default, this inclusion of spices still makes it more successful than any holiday food or beverage this season. But it’s not spic-y, with a heavily enunciated ‘why’. I just don’t understand it. The earthiness of chipotle would lend itself so well to the flavors of the grilled beef. Even the press release emphasized a gesture toward my fickle and thrill-seeking, heat-loving generation, but the conception fell so short of that. It’s as futilely designed as stuffed toys for hipster babies, albeit with less of a gag reflex. The size was fine for me, but it’s still on the small, mediocre side. Over the Double Stack, or the McDouble, it’s simply not a contender.
Happy holidays, all the same. You’re still my number one combo, readers.