Chili’s Chicken Crisper Bites

Yo, all my foodies. So Swagger and I went out to Chili’s to celebrate us leaving for college soon, and got a shitload of good food for me to review.

As a meal, I got the chicken crisper bites. These are billed as chicken fried “to perfection” with sauteed onions, pickles, and cheddar cheese with ancho-chile ranch sauce on a bun, served with crispy onion straws and french fries.

I ordered these without onions and pickles because that just seems strange, for one, and for two, it also seems like there’s just too much going on with the briney flavor of the pickles and the crunchy onions, and the cheese and sauce, and underneath that you remember that there might actually be some chicken, too. So I got them with just cheese and sauce, figuring it’d be much less simplified to eat.

The food comes out on a platter with each sandwich stabbed squarely through the middle, as if to create a food diorama based on a medieval pit trap, so one can safely stab one’s french fries through the skewers. They were nice and hot and massive. I was wholeheartedly tricked by the sandwich. I figured, oh, they’re tiny, they won’t hurt me, and like the Gremlins, I was fucked.

The sandwich itself is delicious. It’s little, roughly three bites’ worth, one if you’re Galactus, and is very tasty. Not a lot of cheese taste, and if there was any ancho-chile ranch sauce, a sauce I was legitimately excited to try, I could not tell you where it was. Seriously. It was like searching for WMD’s…it was not there.

I can make that joke. I’m a Republican.

Good little bites, though, but filling as hell. Extremely addictive until you actually get full. I just wanted to keep eating and eating and I powered through three of them until my stomach reminded me that it was full. I left the last one sitting there. I didn’t even want to take it home. Four is just too many for me, I guess. I’m a wuss.

The fries and onions on the side baffled me. So is it fries or onions? Oh. I guess it’s both. It just made me wonder why they’d bother serving smaller-than-adequate portions of each with the sandwiches. I’d have wanted one. The onions seemed like more of a garnish than a side dish, too. Little crispy straws. Too small for me. The fries were nothing spectacular. I made better at home. Just plump pieces with the skin on, and by the time I dug through my shredded onion things, they were cold. AND WHERE WAS MY DIPPING SAUCE, CHILI’S?

Overall, these were quite tasty. When I was eating them. At home, I was miserable and bloated. So, my foodies, my lesson to you is to beware the allure of the Seductress of Sliders. She will take you to a fun, friendly atmosphere to STAB YOU THROUGH THE STOMACH AND LEAVE YOU FOR DEAD.

Rest in Peace, my stomach.

8/10- YUMMY

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