It’s like the turducken- three things that probably shouldn’t be together. Red velvet is one thing. The best thing. And cheesecake is another. Maybe the two could live in harmonious bliss, but then Sonic felt the need to bring in ice cream.
Why, Sonic, why? The concept was brilliant. Damn, just fry that shit in little cubes and you are golden. But in 30 degree weather, they put it in a Blast. A Blast, for those of you out of the radius of a friendly Sonic (suck it, Vermont!) is similar to a Frosty from Wendy’s or a McFlurry from McDonald’s. Do they even make those any more? Whatever. It’s a blended ice cream-shake combination with shit thrown in and flavorings. This particular libation resembles a little something I like to call “Elmo a la mode,” because it looks like the poor guy was tossed into a blender along with the rest of the dessert.
It comes in two sizes, regular and large. None of that matters, though, because regardless of size, you’re going to be sick of it after two bites. The shake comes with a languid blob of Cool Whip on top, an addition that seems to have permeated the shake with its hydrogenated mouthfeel and fake cream flavor. The entire thing seems to be infused with it. On top, and scattered throughout the shake, are little cheesecake pieces. The advertisement shows them with tiny bits of red velvet cake on top. This is what 19th century writers would later refer to as “pipe dreams.” They’re just cubes of cake. They’re tasty, but not worth muddling through the goo to find.I was warned the Blast, due to a new mix being recently put in, would run a little liquidy in my order. That was okay with me. Having expressed a past desire to hook myself up to a cake batter IV, this was the next best thing. It still came out dastardly thick, though. The ensuing shake was just unimpressive. If red velvet is named so because of its velvety texture, this was more like “red sandpaper” or “red off-brand condom, ribbed for her pleasure.” It was grainy and lumpy in places with little smoothness to show. David Chang’s red velvet soft serve this was not.
Hoping to get past the texture, I maneuvered a few spoonfuls far from the Cool Whip and tried it again. It tasted like a lethal combination of Cool Whip, weak cake batter novelty ice cream, and my old friend, Red Lake #40. We meet again. Why would anyone want to allocate 840 calories towards this monstrosity? It’s not even good. I ate about three spoonfuls before I got bored. I gave the rest to Swagger. He ate the whole thing.Despite harboring no desire to order this again, on top of a grudge from this replacing my beloved Southwestern Burrito, I am curious about the ingredient “red velvet cake syrup.” Where can I obtain some? What can I do with it?