Zhang’s Kitchen, Amherst, MA

This week is really deviating towards restaurant reviews. There are quite a few good joints around campus where you actually feel like you’re getting a good value for what you pay. Pizza places compete for being known as the cheapest pie and wings in town, burgers and wings are filling and less expensive in bulk, and the friar of frugality, Chinese food, delivers decent food at an obscenely cheap price.

Unfortunately, there really aren’t many good places with good prices for an immediate noodle fix. One particular restaurant is odious and charges out the ass for delivery, and others don’t deliver or close early. So tonight’s expedition was a mission to find good cold sesame noodles to eat both for tonight’s dinner and tomorrow’s breakfast.

Zhang’s Kitchen was the choice, out of convenience than proclivity, but after ordering from them, I can say with minimal hesitation that they’re my new go-to place for Chinese. With a delivery minimum of $10, I barely scraped by with my $9 order of fried pork wontons and cold sesame noodles. It took about twenty minutes and the food arrived fresh and appropriately hot.

For $4 and change, there were way too many wontons for one person to eat. I’m used to six medium-sized dumplings in an order, but this container had at least twelve. They were golden brown and stuffed with pork and chives and were still crispy after the sixth. My only gripe was that they were not covered in spicy sauce and sesame seeds, but did come with an orange duck sauce. However, this did not adequately coat all of the wontons and I was left with quite a few naked pieces that I later discarded. More sauce would be appreciated.There had to be at least a pound of noodles in the $4.75 order. They had carrots, sprouts, and scallions on top, with a good coating of sauce. Unfortunately, the sauce wasn’t mixed in at all, and I was forced to play Goddess of Salad Shaking and mix with two forks and an eventual interpretive dance. The sprouts were off. They tasted too earthy and bitter, and I eventually ended picking them out. The carrots gave nice color but little else to the overall composition of the dish, and the onions mixed well with the sesame flavor.Sesame noodles are my favorite lazy food. It’s like eating spaghetti with peanut butter mixed in, as Frank Bruni would tell us, and what’s not to love about that? In this case, the sauce, which seemed inadequate, was enough to coat all the noodles and give them a creamy, nutty flavor. The noodles were thick and perfectly cooked and soft, just the way I like them. I’d order this sans greens the next time, but it’s perfect for multiple meals or a light supper with friends. Zhang’s Kitchen is the best combination of quality and quantity in the Pioneer Valley. I’m hoping to try some of their more exotic selections and see what they can bring to my table. Er, desk.

Eli’s on the Hill, Branford, CT

It’s another Swagger review reporting from the old stomping grounds, Southern CT…

As a man who loves to flaunt his intelligence as often as he can, I have found that the best way to do so is through trivia competitions. Every Tuesday night, I get together with the bros and head to our favorite haunt for a few beers, some food, and to figuratively tea bag all the other teams’ impotent intellects with our Brobdingnagian. Aside from the feeling of knowing we are the smartest people in the bar, the food at Eli’s brings us back every week. Eli’s offers a great array of foods ranging from borderline ritzy at an aristbrocratic level to straight up gritty bar food of the broletariat. The bacon cheeseburger with beer battered fries is one of the great things that falls in the middle of these two spectrums.The burger is truly a sight to behold. Between a hard roll, a burger with the works contains a hefty ten ounce Angus patty, multiple thick slices of bacon, American cheese, sautéed ‘shrooms and onions, a slice of tomato, and a few leaves of lettuce. It is truly a burger for men and winners, ladies and losers need not apply. The only gripe I have with this burger is that it may be too big. (And yes, that’s what she said!) When attempting to eat it, at times one would have to unhinge their jaw in order to get a good cross section bite of the burger. People who are not hybrids of snakes often end up with bites of the burger containing a few of the many ingredients.The beer battered fries on the other hand are absolutely perfect the way they come. They are cut to the perfect lengths ranging from two to four inches, and beer battered to have a crisp savory outside and a soft inside. Try hard enough and you can taste the light hint of the beer taste from the batter of the fries. Adding ketchup to these fries will ruin the crisp and slightly salted taste of the great batter and is an act that should be punishable by revocation of man card.

The Gypsy Apple, Shelburne Falls, MA

I’m making this my honorary 500th post, because I don’t want to celebrate SUCKAGE, and also because today is my birthday. So last night, Keepitcoming Love and I went out to one of our favorite bistros, The Gypsy Apple, to celebrate. I’m not going to mince words- it’s probably one of the best restaurants I’ve ever had the pleasure to enjoy, and tonight’s menu was nothing short of incredible.

We didn’t expect such dreary weather, but given the food and the temperature, it worked in our favor. We arrived in Shelburne Falls just as it was getting windy and cloudy, and took our seats at the table. The Gypsy Apple is a very small restaurant that delivers incredible food with extremely curious flavors and generous portions. It’s rare to find a restaurant that is both ample in plate size and creative enough to step outside of the box, but The Gypsy Apple manages to exceed both of those expectations.We started out with an appetizer of crab cakes, two delicate, fluffy cakes with a nice outer crust and a delicious, peppery flavor. These cakes were almost entirely crab with little to no filler at all, and the vegetables in the cakes lent a spicy and sweet flavor, never bitter, and perfect. The remoulade made the cakes creamy, and they were a perfectly satisfying and indulgent start to our meal.My entree decision was a no-brainer. Buttermilk fried chicken with mashed potatoes? Don’t mind if I do. And with the wind blowing in on the river, it was a perfect choice for a chilly evening. We smelled it before it even came out, and when it was presented in front of us, looked like absolute heaven. Three large chicken breasts, fork-tender and incredibly juicy, were covered in a crispy cornmeal batter on top of cream cheese mashed potatoes, with a duck gravy and corn succotash spread on top. Holy cow, was this decadent.Have you ever had a dish that was so rich and amazing, you were full after a few bites but still wanted to keep eating? That’s the catch-22 at The Gypsy Apple. The entrees are so good, but so filling, and it’s a rather Sisyphean task to put down your fork and await the next course.

The chicken was cooked perfectly. The last time I was here, I kept saying to Keepitcoming that if I could, I’d live off the chicken and potatoes from this restaurant, and that’s a promise I’d gladly keep. No matter how it’s prepared, their chicken is tender and juicy with a fantastic flavor and cooked to perfection. The chicken was fried in a buttermilk and cornmeal batter, but with a surprising twist- cinnamon! It worked extremely well in the batter and gave it a nice, rounded warmth and a comforting flavor I got absolutely lost in.
Mixed with the potatoes, which were creamy and smooth, with no lumps at all, and the duck gravy, drinkable if not for its incredibly rich flavor, this was a perfect meal. The corn succotash on top added a nice, fresh texture and another layer of sweetness to the meal. Perfectly seasoned, perfectly cooked. There is absolutely nothing I would change about this dish.Keepitcoming Love also enjoyed her entree, sea scallops with pesto on a bed of Parmesan, lobster and truffle risotto, and found the presentation to be gorgeous. The scallops were tender and the risotto was very rich!For dessert, we shared the same thing we’d enjoyed on our last visit- profiteroles. These beauties were perfectly portioned scoops of vanilla bean ice cream in between pastry shells, drizzled with a deep, dark chocolate espresso sauce, and dotted with little golden raspberries. Mmmm. Starting with the berries, which were piquant and perfectly sweet when dipped in the sauce, we moved onto the delicious pastries.
The pastry shells sopped up all the tasty sauce, which was rich and slightly bitter, and melted into the ice cream while still maintaining their crispy exterior and light, fluffy texture. It was an excellent end to a perfect evening, and I couldn’t have been happier to spend my birthday at a better place with such an incredible girlfriend.Also, check out my birthday cake. Bread Euphoria does it again with a chocolate stout cake, covered in espresso buttercream and ganache. NOM.

Wheatberry Cafe, Amherst, MA: All you do is lose!

Oof, this is going to be pretty bad. For our 500th post, here’s a terrible restaurant!

Serious risks associated with Foodette Reviews include snarkiness, potentially gross foods, awesome photography, and a boatload of innuendo. If you are sensitive to hippie bashing, dirty napkins, Rent-A-Center, old money, grease, skimpy portions, and distraction, please do not use Foodette Reviews. If you have had any allergies or reactions to self-satisfied smugness, neglected side salads, average beverages, and creepy old women, consult your doctor to see if Foodette Reviews is right for you.

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That being said, on with the review. Keepitcoming and I love independent bakeries. We love delicious pastries, inventive sandwiches, artisanal ingredients, and good drinks, and have found a cadre of fantastic little nooks at our beck and call whenever we heed the call for a filling lunch or dinner.

So how could we be anything but excited when we found another one for the collection? Driving by during some errands, I was surprised that after living in the area for a relatively long span, neither of us had encountered Wheatberry Cafe. It looked innocuous and wholesome, like a sustainable grandmother’s project, and we hyped it up for a week prior to the review, excited to wake up early and try some food.

The atmosphere was a little unsure of itself and seemed distracted and out of focus. The sole stoned employee stood listlessly taking our order and was completely unaware not only of what vegetables they had available, but whether or not she could find them at all. With a ten seat maximum and a kitchen the size of a Manhattan studio apartment, that shouldn’t be too hard. And don’t give me the “we grow our own veggies” excuse. Any sustainable restaurant worth its salt grows enough for its patrons. How were they possibly out of sprouts at eleven in the morning?

The inside of the restaurant was charming, if you find pretentious jam jars, reusable bags, and creepy, talkative old women charming. It drove us outside to contemplate our order and wait for its arrival. The waitress was still fumbling with our sandwiches for another five, six minutes, and we had no choice but to entertain ourselves with the menu. (Fumbling is apt- the known photo we could find of the restaurant online features the same waitress staring vacantly into the abyss.) Unfortunately, that, too, came up short. I understand the appeal and variety in a daily menu, but there were only two sandwiches with asinine names (The Oinker!? I’m not ten and I’m not saying oinker) and prices that would put a museum cafeteria to shame. These “entrees” were saddled with a few prosaic desserts, and a hastily applied breakfast platter. And they’d run out of bagels, too.We got our sandwiches and tried to put the worst behind us, like a bad date with a small penis and halitosis, and tried to focus on the good aspects. And tried. And tried. And tried. Problem was, there was nothing good about the atmosphere, and the food sucked even worse. Our sandwiches were pressed paninis, usually a good sign, but were so riddled with grease and old burnt butter that Keepitcoming went inside to grab some napkins. She came out with an utterly horrified look on her face, leaned over to me, and whispered, “I think the napkins are used. They’re cloth napkins and they don’t feel clean.” Yes, that’s right. Even our napkins had that not so fresh feeling. It appears that the management didn’t even provide the proper receptacles for clean and dirty napkins, leaving patrons to play a horrible guessing game while they eat. But after a few bites, it was utterly essential to use them, so we grabbed some of the greasy, filmy napkins and ate some more.

The sandwiches, if unoriginal, sounded solid and successful. Wrong. The Oinker couldn’t have been prouder of listing the farms where all the ingredients were from, but tasted as good as the potential of its namesake taking wing. With cheddar cheese, apples, shredded pork, and dijon mustard, I opened the sandwich excitedly and found myself intoning the immortal words of Clara Peller herself- “Keepitcoming, where’s the beef?” Or meat, rather. For a $9 sandwich, they were skimpy on the pork. Really fucking skimpy. I tried to put that aside and enjoy the sandwich, but it was still so greasy and practically vegetarian.I assumed this was a fluke until we encountered the same thing with Keepitcoming’s sandwich. (The Happy Hen, if you must know.) Again, there was a mediocre amount of vegetables, including those Heirloom tomatoes that have practically surpassed Uggs in popularity, but a sparse smear of chevre and a few spotty pieces of chicken breast made this completely unpalatable. An alternative name for this sandwich could have also been, “Girl with a mixed breed,” because to add insult to injury, Keepitcoming found a long, straight dog hair in her sandwich. DNA tests to follow.

When all was said and done, it just wasn’t worth the extra calories to suffer through another sandwich half or the included wilted salad, especially with all the potential hazards and disappointments, so we moved onto our coffee and dessert, hoping that the success of Wheatberry rested on the laurels of their pastries.Wrong again. Our raspberry bar had a disproportionate amount of wrinkly baked jam to crumbly bland tart, with a buttery flavor and a relatively boring texture. It was so mediocre that we didn’t even care to finish it, and we are girls who love desserts. With our average at best iced Chai, we left Wheatberry with heavy hearts and sad, empty stomachs. There are far better area restaurants that have better selection, prices, and portions and won’t try to impress us with organic and sustainable ingredients to make up for poor quality.

Nitty Gritty Cornmeal Pancakes

We had a surprisingly balmy and hot afternoon yesterday. It was probably one of the last opportunities we’d have to eat outside, so we wanted to make something special to have for dinner.That something special ended up being cornmeal pancakes with butter and syrup, with Nitty Gritty cornmeal muffin and pancake mix. It was pretty easy to make the pancakes, and while I was a little worried that the batter was lumpy at first, it quickly smoothed out and yielded tasty, robust pancakes.One small gripe we had was that the instructions found a way to complicate the recipe process, using three or four bowls when two would suffice. But aside from that, their ratios were perfect and one batch served us at three pancakes apiece with a few small ones leftover. I personally prefer cornmeal pancakes over buttermilk because I like that textural differentiation and heavier feeling, and find them easier to customize. We weren’t in the mood for experimentation last night, but we might like to try these with grilled jalapeno pieces and a whipped honey butter.The most fun part of eating these was breakfast this morning. With some leftover sausage, shredded cheese, and paprika sour cream, we made a fantastic and easy cold breakfast.

Subway Steak and Bacon Melt

Nom, Subway has a new sandwich. Er, I mean, a new combination. Why is Subway suddenly Taco Bell’s idea bitch? It’s the same formula these two restaurants have succeeded with for years- ten ingredients, twenty toppings, zillions of permutations. I haven’t seen anything “new” come out of Subway since Jared’s new wardrobe and the short-lived flatbread.

However, this one looked like it had the potential to be tasty because it touted absolutely no vegetables whatsoever. Vegetables are my most hated nemesis, defeated only by various meat on meat action with occasional extra carbohydrate backup support, like a french fry sandwich. Yum. So I had high hopes for eating this simply because it fit the exceedingly low standards of my no vegetable clause.I tried to order the sandwich with as much accuracy as the photo itself, but had no hint as to what the sauces could have been. I went with classics, mayo and mustard, all on top of hearty Italian bread. The sandwich artist, if that’s what they’re still calling them, was generous with the shredded steak, using two entire portions of steak for one six inch sandwich, as well as four slices of bacon, neatly torn and arranged to ensure both cow and pig in one bite. I opted for cheddar cheese, which melted perfectly on top.With the sauces and cheese melting together, I let the sandwich sit for a bit so all could solidify and not spill out onto the paper wrapping before me. The sandwich was adequately filled. What looked like a lot of meat in preparation now seemed to be a rather modest serving, but the bacon was plentiful and the cheese and sauces had conglomerated into a beautiful formation.The bread was crusty and a little overtoasted, but provided a neutral canvas for the star of the show, the meat. Unfortunately, the steak had little flavor. I’m not asking for beef carpaccio, but it would have been nice to have more seasoning. It was still juicy and sliced thinly and fell out of the sandwich in bite-sized chunks. With the bacon, it was rather satisfying. I found the sauces to be the dominant flavor where the steak lacked, though, and the last few bites of the sandwich to be almost entirely comprised of mustard. Pretty tasty, but could use some doctoring.

Mint Chocolate Chip Wrigley’s Extra Dessert Delights

Sweet Jesus, this is going to bring about another crazy slew of viewers like those damned dessert pills. Seriously, what is it about this obsession with food tasting like other foods but not textured the same? I’ve noticed it especially with desserts. Dessert gum, dessert pills, dessert track marks on human arms so you can seamlessly inject Hershey’s syrup into your veins- on the go!

When I saw these in the grossly overpriced convenience store, I almost peed myself. I’ve always wanted to make out with someone (you know who you are) while simultaneously tasting like ice cream. Ice cream in the gum section? That’s inconceivably gross. Or inconceivably awesome. I can’t quite decide. But rest assured, this will not become a new staple of any little Violet Beauregarde.It’s funny because it’s in my freezer, as though it has actually replaced ice cream. Incidentally, it has not.

Upon unwrapping this, I inwardly cursed myself. Of course it’s going to taste like mint chocolate chip ice cream…it’s fucking mint flavored gum. Putting that thought aside, though, the taste is predictably interchangeable with most regular chewing gums. It’s minty. It’s got that slightly sour bite. It’s chewy and gets increasingly chompier as the sugar goes out of the gum.And it’s not mint chocolate chip ice cream. Aside from the color, that quintessentially inaccurate bright green, it tastes like mint gum repackaged as ice cream. I taste no chocolate and no creaminess, and I was bored by the fifth bite. I don’t even know how chocolate would be possibly translated into gum form. Bummer, Wrigley’s. You almost had me for a second. I’ll just have to find a way around my obscure, impossible fetish.


Hoi, readers, here’s a recipe incorporating some delicious enchilada sauce. Keepitcoming and I have been making a valiant attempt to reduce carbohydrates in our diet, so in lieu of tortillas or crepes, we decided to make omelettes and fold them over our toppings.

\Ingredients (serves two)
Four eggs
1/2 cup of cheddar cheese (we used leftover horseradish cheddar and it gave it a fantastic kick)
1/2 cup of sausage- preferably something with a little kick, like linguica or chorizo
1/4 cup of red wine
1/2 cup of black beans
3/4 cup of enchilada sauce
Sour cream
Salt, pepper, paprika to taste

1. This is a nice recipe that can be done in easy steps. First, prep your ingredients by shredding your cheese into a bowl and chopping your sausage into bite sized chunks.
2. Put your sausage into a frying pan on low heat with the red wine and let it reduce and simmer until the sausage is crispy on all sides. While that is cooking, beat your eggs with salt and pepper and blend your black beans and enchilada sauce in a blender.
3. When the sausage is done, pour a small serving of eggs, enough to coat the bottom of the pan in a relatively thick layer, into the pan. Let it set and flip over.
4. Sprinkle half the cheese onto the egg, and half the sausage, and fold in half like an omelette.
5. Top with lots of eggchilada sauce, sour cream, and salsa!
6. Enjoy while hot. If you have leftover eggs and toppings, they will keep for the next morning’s breakfast.These were a lot of fun to make, though I definitely need to work on getting my egg flip to perfection! The sauce we used, Chavela’s, was smooth and intense and very tasty with the black beans. It was the perfect consistency for our dish. Make them at home when the weather is crappy.

The Big E 2010

Yesterday was a big adventure for Swagger and I. We took a trip to The Big E, the Eastern States Exposition, in West Springfield to cover the food spread and see what we could find. So, without further ado, here is an official photo montage and review of the 2010 food at The Big E.

My commentary is in one part, and Swagger’s is in the next.The crowd at the entrance, near the food booths and state houses.

Foodette: Emu chili for breakfast…a healthy start to the day indeed. While the flavor was very tasty and aromatic, the emu was lost in the sea of beans, tomatoes, and onions, and when isolated, had a slightly grainy and muscular texture. Still flavorful, but it would have been better all by itself in a chili.

Swagger: The chili could have been a little thicker, which could be accomplished by adding more emu. The spice was just about right, could have had a little more heat but it had a good flavor. If I did not know it was not emu chili, I would not have guessed it was based on meat texture. Meat texture tasted like very small pieces of pork.

Golden, yellow, and red raspberries from Massachusetts made a delicious and mouth-watering composition. Regular raspberries are now complimented by their yellow hued cousins.

Maple syrup from Massachusetts is turned into…

Maple sugar cotton candy! It was very fluffy and sweet and had that quintessential maple syrup flavor. Delicious.

Pesto and tomato flatbread from American Flatbread. I think one of them also had an olive tapenade, but we didn’t try this.

Foodette: Swagger’s favorite treat of the day, maple bacon ice cream. Really delicious maple ice cream with sizeable chunks of bacon in it. Creamy, thick consistency, and a fantastic flavor.

Swagger: Perfect idea put into play. Taste of the maple was very strong and added a good maple taste to the bits of bacon in the ice cream. I could eat this all day every day for the rest of my life. Perfect addition of bacon to an already great thing.

Foodette: Maple cured beef jerky from Vermont. Maple was really a big theme of the exposition. This was really delicious, tough jerky with a good chew to it. In my opinion, this is the very epitome of jerky. We’re too soft on the processed stuff. This is where it’s at. It fell off in big chunks and we couldn’t stop eating it.

Swagger: Was great beef jerky! Tastes like what real gritty beef jerky should taste like and not a slim jim. Did have a nice flavour but did not have enough of the advertised maple flavour. With more maple flavour, could have been great instead of above average.

Foodette: Chocolate covered bacon from Connecticut. While the bacon was delicious, very crispy, and had a caramelized flavor, the overall taste and satisfaction was slightly lessened by the quality and type of chocolate used. It was a very sweet milk chocolate with a slightly waxy, melty flavor to it. A dark chocolate would have highlighted the meat and made the flavor more robust.

Swagger: Great idea and execution, the bacon was made perfectly, crisp yet chewy. The sweetness of milk chocolate contrasted with the salt of the bacon and made the milk chocolate taste too sweet. Would have been perfect with use of dark chocolate.

Another Connecticut treat. We didn’t try this, but I liked the bold colors of the packaging and the reference to Watch Hill, a childhood destination of mine.

These were pumpkin fritters, and they were pretty tasty. I was a little disappointed, because at a $5 price tag, I expected actual pumpkin, or at the very least, pumpkin pie filling. Instead, they were more of a pumpkin bread and carried less pumpkin flavor and more spices. Still, they were very autumnal and fried well, with no greasy texture or mouthfeel. Delicious alternative to funnel cake with some powdered sugar sprinkled on top!

It’s a little silly, but I think I was most excited to try cheese curds, despite them being a little prosaic. I’m not sure if it was the novelty of trying something cheese-like, but different, or the fact that everything is better fried, but a sample of these just hit the spot. I was glad I didn’t commit to an entire order, because they didn’t taste too different than actual fried mozzarella, but the sharpness of the cheddar was delicious on its own. Very poppable and very cute.

Foodette: Another fair food staple I was dead set on eating was a corn dog. God, I love corn dogs, and the best to be had are at state fairs, where they’re freshly fried and usually customizable with different kinds of sausages. I was surprised to see that none of the corn dogs were freshly fried on site, but this one offered cheese and jalapenos inside. It had a very mild heat and wasn’t filled with a lot of cheese, but damn it, it was greasy, delicious, and on a stick.

Swagger: I don’t care enough for the corn dog to have enough to say.

Foodette: The cream puff was arguably our favorite dessert of the day. It had a nice, chewy beignet dough base and a massive amount of fluffy vanilla cream inside. It was creamy and huge and delivered a fantastic flavor and texture.

Swagger: Only in ‘Merica and the engineers in fatassery can make such a usually small and dainty dessert into such a massive item. The puff is perfectly soft and chewy and the cream was perfectly light and not greasy and leaves you with that oily feeling that you just ate a stick of butter. Perfect dessert creation only in ‘Merica!

Hot dogs for your hot dog…we did not eat these.

Foodette: This was fried cheesecake with whipped cream and strawberries. The concept is delicious, but the actual product was mediocre. The batter was thick so as not to melt the cheesecake inside, but that made it chewy and not crisp, and more doughnut like. It was extremely difficult to eat this.

Swagger: The batter was too thick and it was just what it sounded like, a piece of fried cheesecake. Seemed like a better plan on paper but in application and execution, the idea turned out to not be as great. Fried Ice Cream was a much better idea.

Foodette: We saved the best for last, two burgers made of completely insane ingredients. This was an alligator burger. Having never consumed reptile prior to this experience, I can tell you that it’s a singularly unique experience. The flesh tasted similar to seafood or onions, chewy with a slight bounce. The burger was plain, but seasoned perfectly, with Cajun spices. For me, the least satisfying part of the burger was the bun. It was too thick and bready and took away from the gator’s flavor.

Swagger: The gator burger had a great spicy flavour to it and the taste of the gator meat was distinctively reptilian. Very exotic and was worth the price and wait. Not as insane as the other creations but very very good.

Foodette: Finally, the star of the show, the Craz-E burger. Where else but a state fair could you find a bacon cheeseburger in between grilled glazed doughnuts? This was perfect for people who like salty with their sweet. The yeast-raised doughnuts weren’t sticky or greasy and actually made a decent bun because of their breadiness. All the flavors melded perfectly. This was so good. Damn it.

Swagger: The idea of such a abominable creation can only be created in ‘Merica and could be blasphemous enough to warrant a jihad. Yet only in ‘Merica can the engineers in fatassery bring this creation to life and make it just about the most delicious thing ever. This item is truly a testament to what makes the land of the free and the home of the brave great, the ability to say fuck you to every non-christian religion in a godly delicious sandwich worthy of Jesus himself, By putting a quarter pound beef patty, multiple slices of bacon and cheese between a glazed donut. Fuck you Hinduism, fuck you Islam, and fuck you Jews too. God Bless the Red White and Blue! God Bless ‘Merica!

And that covers it. Foodette Reviews thanks Catherine Pappas for media help, and thanks to Swagger for all his hard work on the field! He will be regularly contributing to Foodette Reviews in the near future.

Surf Sweets Gummy Swirls

Holy shit, these are Sharkies incarnate.

Sorry. Hang on. This should probably start with a more formal introduction.

I’d like to publicly and officially apologize to Keepitcoming Love, not for something I have done, but for something that will probably happen in the course of the next twelve hours. I am almost one hundred percent positive that I do not have the willpower to not finish these gummies and share them with you.

This definitely makes me a terrible girlfriend.

Surf Sweets Gummy Swirls are really incredible gummies. They’re practically the balls that Sharkies play with, that’s how similar and delicious they are in texture. They are little gummy swirls covered in sugar granules, in the shape of gumdrops. They’re smaller than gumdrops, with a finer grain of sugar, and a less gelatinous chew. They’re like a delicious hybrid between gummies, cream savers, and gumdrops. They’re so good.

One package holds about thirty pieces, which is half a day’s value for the average adult. There are only two flavors, raspberry and orange, and the cream doesn’t quite come out as much in the raspberry as in the orange, which is akin to eating St. Joseph’s Baby Aspirin without the repercussions and potential blood thinning, but they are delicious and tart and have an absolutely perfect consistency.

I don’t know why I was so surprised that these were so delicious. Food has been surprising us lately, and these are no exception. I need to hoard them and eat more. And purchase a pack for my sweetheart. Also, keep an eye out…I’m going to do a Surf Sweets giveaway and I want your participation, people!