These stupid little meals are the results of my wasted childhood. My mother packed me lunches in bags and wrote my name on them and included notes, and damn it, I just wanted these fucking Lunchables.
If I’d only heeded her wisdom. If only. If only.
This Lunchable demon contains the makings to create a full-scale nuclear apocalypse, or three small pizzas. It’s relatively sparse, containing none of the candy or Capri Sun pouches I remember as a child. Merely the stark remains of what used to constitute…a meal. It has three pizza crusts, a packet of sauce, and two compartments for mozzarella cheese and cheddar cheese.
The crusts are essentially canvases for mass destruction, and the taste is nothing special. It’s like eating a bland flatbread with sweet sauce and crappy cheese. The sauce appears to be appetizing. It has many different colored herbs in it, but the taste is sickeningly sweet like…oh yeah. Low budget pizza sauce. The cheese is cheese, but what really grosses me out is the appeal in eating these raw.
Save yourself money and heartbreak. Buy a frozen pizza. Thaw it. Eat it. Still cold. Then, cook it and eat it like pizza ought to have been eaten.