Lunchables Extra Cheesy Pizza

Lunchables shame me.

These stupid little meals are the results of my wasted childhood. My mother packed me lunches in bags and wrote my name on them and included notes, and damn it, I just wanted these fucking Lunchables.

If I’d only heeded her wisdom. If only. If only.

This Lunchable demon contains the makings to create a full-scale nuclear apocalypse, or three small pizzas. It’s relatively sparse, containing none of the candy or Capri Sun pouches I remember as a child. Merely the stark remains of what used to constitute…a meal. It has three pizza crusts, a packet of sauce, and two compartments for mozzarella cheese and cheddar cheese.

The crusts are essentially canvases for mass destruction, and the taste is nothing special. It’s like eating a bland flatbread with sweet sauce and crappy cheese. The sauce appears to be appetizing. It has many different colored herbs in it, but the taste is sickeningly sweet like…oh yeah. Low budget pizza sauce. The cheese is cheese, but what really grosses me out is the appeal in eating these raw.

Save yourself money and heartbreak. Buy a frozen pizza. Thaw it. Eat it. Still cold. Then, cook it and eat it like pizza ought to have been eaten.
1/10- SHIT

Oscar Mayer Deli Fresh Combinations: Chicken and Ham

Here’s another little lunch set. I ate this for dinner last night. Really, it’s quite substantial and I’m pleased with the presentation.

The chicken was the same, and the ham was a little gamier than I would have liked it. The photo on the outside depicted flaky shavings of ham, but the pieces inside were floppy and a little tough. A lot of water, too, from the water packed. Not bad, though.

The crackers and cheese were the same. Really, the only difference in this was the addition of the ham and the omission of the turkey. I wish that the cheeses had been different, like a pepper jack or a havarti, or even a mozzarella. Anything. The swiss was nice but the more I ate it, the more I disliked the cheddar. It just wasn’t as sharp as I would have enjoyed, which was a shame.

I’ll be trying more of these in the future. I have a few Oscar Mayer Deli Creations, and as a sandwich snob, we’ll see how those work out for their price and taste. I have a few Lunchables, too, and they might or might not compare to the Deli Fresh ones…

5/10- AVERAGE

Oscar Mayer Deli Fresh Conbinations: Chicken and Turkey


I want to point out that I tried this last night, pre-Yom Kippur, and am fasting for the day in observance. Just sayin’. And that I’m aware that this is the wrong photo, but bah, they’re all stock photos any how!

This is, essentially, a glorified Lunchables for adults. But better. It contained crackers, chicken and ham, swiss cheese, cheddar cheese, and a small candy. I didn’t expect the candy and it was freaking Milka. A Milka bar, the likes of which I can never get, in a damned Lunchable for adults. It was awesome.

So onto the lunch. There is something inherently fun about stacking and making your own lunch, like in a sushi roll or an assembly line. The chicken and turkey are both rather wet, and required drying off. I rarely enjoy meat that has been packed in water, so that was a bit of a turn off. However, this was quelled once I ate them.

Each sandwich was substantial, making eight total for me to eat. The chicken was good, but the turkey was either smoked or secretly ham, because it tasted and smelled like ham but definitely was not. It was awfully strange. Regardless, they pack a good amount of stuff into such a small box. I liked how the meat was sliced and natural, but at the same time I craved those little turkey frisbees in the kid’s Lunchables, solely for the continuity in size and the fact that you got some of it in every bite. Which brings me onto the cheese. The swiss cheese was mild and delicious, with just a hint of a bite, and was square-shaped so as to cover the entire cracker and underlying meat piece.

The cheddar, though, was inexplicably half the size of the swiss piece, perhaps a tiny bit thicker. It provided much less coverage and although sharper, just had less flavor and creaminess to it than the cheddar. Granted, neither of these are “cheese” and are “cheese products,” but are still good. I just wish the cheddar had been…better, if you’ll excuse the rhyme.

Overall, though, this was a really substantial and tasty lunch. I enjoyed the creation, and the little Milka bar at the end was phenomenal. I would have liked to have a spread, and perhaps another flavor of crackers in the mix, but for a $3 lunch pack, it was not bad by any means.
7/10- LOVELY

Crispy Husky Bar


Here’s a review of a bar that reminds me of my ex-boyfriend. It’s flaky, unreliable, and tastes vaguely waxy.

This bar also happens to be from the college at which he matriculates, UConn, but is from a much more awesome source, my good friend Swagger. What’s this? Why, it’s a Husky Bar, one of the many flavors made by Munson’s, a local chocolate company, to support our state university, UConn, and their famous team mascot, the Huskies.

This is a really hefty bar, at 2 and 1/4 ounces, and is pretty tasty. The squares are really thick and it’s hard to put away an entire bar in one sitting. The chocolate is all right. It’s not Chocolove, it’s not Coco-luxe. It’s meh. It’s a rich, waxy chocolate with a strange mouthfeel and interesting inner coating. It leaves a grainy, healthy aftertaste, like my ex-boyfriend but is, in fact, not very healthy at all. A symmetry boggles over a snag.

I will say that I did love the crispy bits in the bar. They added a nice texture to the bar and were consistently present and not overwhelming or stabbalicious like Captain Crunch.

Oh, PS, it’s my 19th birthday. Huzzuh!

5/10- GOOD

Japanese Mayonnaise Potato Pringles


I just got a box of items from J-List and am too excited to share them with you! The first item is a Pringles treat, that’s advertised as a mayonnaise potato flavor. The box is nothing special, just your standard Pringles tube.

Well, I’ve never had mayonnaise on my potatoes before. In fact, I can’t stand it. But this was so strange it just begged to be tried. When you open the can, you get an extremely strong scent of paprika. The chips aren’t red, they just smell like paprika to the highest degree.

The first thing you notice when eating these Pringles is that they’re about eight hundred times as crispy as our Pringles. They taste like Pringles deep fried, or Pringles that have taken a walk in the Sahara and gotten sunburnt. The taste of these is nice and mild, but with a slight spicy burn in the back of your throat after you rest from eating.

I don’t taste much mayonnaise, but I do taste a tang, and I definitely taste potatoes from the flavor of the chip! I’m not too impressed with these. I’d have liked to try them when they weren’t all crunched up, but for a first impression, not bad at all. They definitely beat out American Pringles, which I detest, in that there’s so much more flavor on these than the US ones.

6/10- ALL RIGHT.

Whoppers


Every time I see Whoppers, I feel like I’ve been craving them for years and that it’s the perfect thing to sate my hunger and chocolate craving. Not Whopper, the burger, mind you, but Whoppers, as in, the malted milk balls.

Essentially, these are the poor man’s Aero bars. They’re fluffy, crunchy, and sometimes have a propensity for cutting your mouth open. Mmmm! Delicious! The malted flavor is not very strong at all. I tend to like a strong flavor, as I’m used to delicious homemade chocolate malted shakes with a heaping tablespoon of malt powder, but what do I know? The chocolate is pretty crappy. It’s mockolate, with artificial flavors. It’s waxy and doesn’t melt well in your mouth and essentially provides a mere buffer for the crunchy malt.

They’re not that great. Save yourself the next time you crave these and go get something better. I liked it when Hershey’s had these in their Twosome collection, with more chocolate, real chocolate, and tinier malt bites, like little B.Bs from the guns. But alas, like all good product, that was to be discontinued. Another day, Hershey…another day.

3/10- LAME

Fun with Google Analytics!

Never fear, the review will be up tonight. Just thought I’d indulge you a little bit with some funnier lines.

-“nibbler 2” eat each other
Oh my god, this is not a website for cock-fighting or vorephilia.

-burgerkingorangecheese
Ew.

-does ramen noodles have adhesive on them?
That’s an awful question. I’m trying to figure out what this means. Adhesive? They’re more useful as an adhesive than a food product. Uh, maybe?

-gorditas porn
Flame-roasted…gaaaahh!

-how to dissect coconat brittle
Your science teacher is definitely on acid.

-how to make pure spring water
Go to sink. Turn on tap. Stick head in oven.

-iceland medium cheddar
Eeeeeeeew. Cheese water? Really?

-imwendy99@
For all of my readers, this isn’t Twitter. It’s Foodette Fucking Reviews.

-taco bell slimy chicken
Eeeeeeeew, why do you guys type this stuff?

-wang aloe dream juice
The perfect counterpart to the semen cookbook.

-what is the motto for entenmann’s
DO NOT WANT.

Japanese Spicy Chicken Pringles


Another J-List item. These are billed as tasting like spicy fried chicken and carry a photo of drumsticks on the front to hit the point home.

The powder tastes like chicken breading, actually. I licked some off the top of the canister package. It tastes like salt and pepper and MSG. Your standard ramen flavor. Maybe a hint of chicken bouillion, too. The unfortunate case with Pringles is that they’re so concentrated with their potato crisp and flavor that they often ignore the flavor their chips are supposed to be, and eventually, all you can taste is the potato flavor of the chips unless you pay attention.

I think real chips would benefit from this flavor, even though there’s no spice or chicken flavor to speak of. It had hints of garlic, paprika, but overall, simply your generic spices found on snack foods mimicking real foods, and no spiciness or heat at all. Like eating roast chicken skin.

For someone who likes salt, these border on unbearably salty, almost getting sour at the end. I’m a salt fan, but if you don’t like the taste sensation of pouring Morton’s into your mouth or snorting flavor packets from ramen noodles, please avoid these.

3/10- SUCKS

Trader Joe’s Dark Chocolate Chipotle Hazelnuts


I’m rather addicted to these. Amherst has spoiled me because they’ve placed a Trader Joe’s not ten minutes from campus by car, as opposed to Branford where the closest one is roughly 30 minutes away. So now I can go to TJ’s all I want and buy their wonderfully overpriced food and gorge on samples.

I’m definitely nuts about these. Ha ha. They’re chocolate-covered hazelnuts, a portable version of Nutella, but with a touch of chipotle heat and cocoa powder on the outside. I think the best thing about these is that if you’re a girly wimp like me, it’s masochistic portion control. If you eat too many of these, your tastebuds will go bye-bye and then you’ll be fucked. With these, they’re sweet, but spicy enough to hurt just a little. It’s definitely a good hurt.

The hazelnut is really creamy and crunchy inside, and the dark chocolate is of an extremely high quality. They’re an excellent candy. If I had any complaints, it would be that the cocoa powder is messy, and I live in a dorm, so like to eat things in bed. These are not a bedtime food. It leaves a residue. Not a bad one, necessarily, but enough to make me stop typing and wipe my hands on my roommate’s towels. (Just kidding.)

8/10- SPICY GOOD

Bueno y Sano- Amherst, MA


Beware. I’ve been doing many positive reviews lately, so if you’ve been inclined to send mushrooms or something else vaguely disgusting, send them now.

I had the best meal of my life yesterday. I might murder a human so that when I go on death row, I can request two of these.

These are in reference to the barbecue chicken quesadillas at Bueno y Sano, an authentic Mexican restaurant in the center of Amherst. These are no ordinary quesadillas. This, my friends, is the sheer embodiment of the Mexican rebuttal to…a pizza.

But first, let me prolong the anticipation by telling you about the soft taco I had for a small appetizer, the chickpea and red curry soft taco. It was very tasty, and the peas were firm, not at all mushy, but very clearly cooked. Unfortunately, I didn’t taste as much curry as I would have liked, and tasted more of a “generic Mexican red sauce” than anything else. The taco came with lettuce, tomato, onion, all of which I scraped off, cilantro, and the finest, smoothest cheese I’ve ever tasted. It was so tiny, I thought it was well-packed rice. It was amazing and cold and wonderful.

6/10- GREAT

And then, the masterpiece, the barbecue chicken quesadilla. The sauce is homemade. The chicken is tender. The tortilla is crispy.

There is really only one way to make this. This has to be the messiest, most amazing food you’ve ever eaten. You are morally obligated to wear the sauce stains like blood on your white-collared shirt, and then the world will know that you are a proud, proud foodie.

So you take this quesadilla. You admire it. You smear it with sour cream, and then with hot sauce, and you eat it. Sauce runs down your fingers. It gets on your face. It stains the hardwood beer pong table you’re sitting at. And nothing really makes your happier. It’s carnal. It’s delicious.

10/10- OBSCENE