Teriyaki Doritos

Another chip flavor in my J-List package, this one happens to be from Doritos, in a teriyaki flavor.

The bag of chips borders on being industrial strength in tenacity. I had to cut it open. That’s bad for a snack bag. If I were on the train and moving, or walking somewhere where I just needed a snack, I don’t want to have to ask for help or look for a sharp object to open a damned bag of chips.

The Doritos are of a normal size, perhaps a smidge smaller than their American counterparts. Beware, when you open this bag. These smell horrendous. Almost smelly enough to turn me off them completely, but I tried them and the taste is much better than the scent.

I’m not sure if I’d classify these as teriyaki. I guess one could, because they’re sweet and salty, but I don’t taste the soy sauce. If anything, it’s more of a barbecue taste, like a sweet honey barbecue. The Doritos from Japan have a much more intense corn flavor to them than the regular, which I like and don’t like at the same time. On one hand, the proportions are different, giving a very crispy, almost sembei-like texture to the chips, with a sweet corn flavor as an aftertaste, but on the other hand, the corn flavor really takes us away from the teriyaki, and if the flavor is billed as teriyaki, I don’t know why there isn’t more of a flavor.

They’re good chips, and quite addictive at that. I like them.

7/10- NICE

Late Night Doritos: Last Call Jalepeno Popper

I’ve always loved spicy things, but for some reason, have never gotten around to trying jalapeno poppers. They’re a bar food staple. The tasty appetizer with a beer. So I figured if I tried these, I might be inspired to try the actual food.

If these are supposed to be accurate, Doritos has the flavor spot on. The aroma is deeply spicy, spicier than I thought, and the chips are bright orange. If they were green, that would be cool. But I digress.

The flavor is really, really good. I was expecting a weak peppery flavor, nothing to write home about, but these are spot on. The chip base provides the battery taste of the popper’s shell, and the taste starts out tangy and cool, and then develops into a legitimately hot chip with a nice peppery taste and a real spice that can only be remedied, of course, by eating more chips.

This is the first Doritos chip I’ve had that doesn’t taste like a conglomerate of Cooler Ranch and Nacho Cheese, so they definitely need to stick around. I like them a lot.

9/10- GREAT

Starbucks Sausage Piadini

Mom and I went to Starbucks today for a little breakfast, and I wanted something hot and filling, but not too rich, so I ordered this piadini.

Contrary to what I first thought, piadini, or piadina, is not a word invented by Starbucks marketing executives to seem avant garde and homemade. It’s an actual Italian food, a sort of taco-flatbread thing served with meats inside. I ordered the sausage, egg, and cheese piadini.

The piadini is lighter and fluffier than it originally looked in the case. The bread is some sort of foccacia bastardization with green flecks in it. The green flecks could be boogers or green dye for all I know. Their flavor is never again mentioned in the context of the food. The filling is nice and hot, and the bread is crispy instead of simply tasting reheated.

As for the flavor, the sausage and cheese are rich and gooey, but the egg is flavorless. It exists. I can feel its presence, like the ghost of a dead grandmother or a lingering elevator fart, but lacks any actual substance within the melding of the pastry.

It’s good. Would I order it again? I’m on the fence. It’s a nice, hot meal, but at $3.25, you’re better off with a McGriddle. Cheaper, tastier, and much more filling.


Chili’s Chicken Crisper Bites

Yo, all my foodies. So Swagger and I went out to Chili’s to celebrate us leaving for college soon, and got a shitload of good food for me to review.

As a meal, I got the chicken crisper bites. These are billed as chicken fried “to perfection” with sauteed onions, pickles, and cheddar cheese with ancho-chile ranch sauce on a bun, served with crispy onion straws and french fries.

I ordered these without onions and pickles because that just seems strange, for one, and for two, it also seems like there’s just too much going on with the briney flavor of the pickles and the crunchy onions, and the cheese and sauce, and underneath that you remember that there might actually be some chicken, too. So I got them with just cheese and sauce, figuring it’d be much less simplified to eat.

The food comes out on a platter with each sandwich stabbed squarely through the middle, as if to create a food diorama based on a medieval pit trap, so one can safely stab one’s french fries through the skewers. They were nice and hot and massive. I was wholeheartedly tricked by the sandwich. I figured, oh, they’re tiny, they won’t hurt me, and like the Gremlins, I was fucked.

The sandwich itself is delicious. It’s little, roughly three bites’ worth, one if you’re Galactus, and is very tasty. Not a lot of cheese taste, and if there was any ancho-chile ranch sauce, a sauce I was legitimately excited to try, I could not tell you where it was. Seriously. It was like searching for WMD’s…it was not there.

I can make that joke. I’m a Republican.

Good little bites, though, but filling as hell. Extremely addictive until you actually get full. I just wanted to keep eating and eating and I powered through three of them until my stomach reminded me that it was full. I left the last one sitting there. I didn’t even want to take it home. Four is just too many for me, I guess. I’m a wuss.

The fries and onions on the side baffled me. So is it fries or onions? Oh. I guess it’s both. It just made me wonder why they’d bother serving smaller-than-adequate portions of each with the sandwiches. I’d have wanted one. The onions seemed like more of a garnish than a side dish, too. Little crispy straws. Too small for me. The fries were nothing spectacular. I made better at home. Just plump pieces with the skin on, and by the time I dug through my shredded onion things, they were cold. AND WHERE WAS MY DIPPING SAUCE, CHILI’S?

Overall, these were quite tasty. When I was eating them. At home, I was miserable and bloated. So, my foodies, my lesson to you is to beware the allure of the Seductress of Sliders. She will take you to a fun, friendly atmosphere to STAB YOU THROUGH THE STOMACH AND LEAVE YOU FOR DEAD.

Rest in Peace, my stomach.

8/10- YUMMY

Desert Heat Buffalo Wild Wings and Assorted Appetizers…

I had these wings a few nights ago with a friend of mine, and I was excited to see that for the first time, BBW is eschewing their messy sauces for a nice dry rub. Of course, I had to eat them.

We had appetizers to start out with- BBW’s miniature corn dogs and mozzarella sticks. The mozz sticks were quite good, actually- nice and big with a panko crust, and the cheese was hot and melty enough so that it strung out in a big loop rather than falling out of the breading and scalding your face. The corn dogs were tiny and crispy, and the batter to dog ratio wasn’t bad. They were good dogs, just a little bland. I would have appreciated some dipping sauce or flavoring in addition to them.

STICKS- 6/10
DOGS- 5/10

As for the wings, well, they were typical BBW fare. If chicken had a hierarchy, it would go like this. Boned chicken, then chicken nuggets, chicken wings, chicken tenders, and finally, fried chicken fillet on top. These “boneless wings” waver in the nugget/tender region. They call them tenders, but tenders are, at best, big slabs of breast meat in holdable shapes. These are like tenders that have been curled up like pill bugs and fried into a frenzy. They’re too crispy, and rarely ever larger than a small dog’s turd.

The seasoning is good. Lots of paprika flavoring and spices, a very salty taste, too. But it’s just too hot, somehow. I’m not sure if it’s the dryness of the spices offsetting the flavor, but it is really akin to being in a desert. Out of eight wings, I ate three, maybe. They’re not that good.

Why do I keep eating here?!?


The holy grail of chicken.

By pure accident, I have perfected fried chicken and french fries. Sorry for the photo…I really do need a good camera!

And I’m going to show you the recipe.

Ingredients (serves 1)
1 boneless chicken breast
1 potato roll
bread crumbs
1 potato
oil- olive and peanut

1. Take your chicken breast and tenderize it- roll or pound it down until it’s roughly 1/2 inch thick.
2. Mix together salt, pepper, bread crumbs, and flour. Dip chicken in and coat on all sides.
3. Butter roll and bake potato. Yes, bake it. Once it’s done baking, cut it into fry shapes.
4. Fry chicken in pan at 200 degrees for about ten minutes, or until golden brown on both sides. Let cool.
5. Fry fries at same temperature until crispy and golden brown.
6. Take cooled chicken, fry again for roughly 30 seconds to a minute, take out and serve.

This is definitely the best chicken I’ve ever had. Why? Because it’s so simple. I wanted to do a dry rub, put a sauce on it, and just decided to throw that down the tubes. It’s so simple. Baking the potatoes was genius, and wasn’t even my idea. We had a leftover baked potato in the fridge so I just put it in the fryer. They come out tender and have so much less moisture and starch than fresh potatoes, which ensures that there won’t be a raw inside and that the flesh will be extremely tender, but crisp on the outside.

As for the chicken, the key is in the twice-frying. I let all the juices soak in and then refried it for that extra crispy crust. I had no idea it would taste so good! Seriously. Try my accidental recipe. You won’t forget this chicken easily.

Shameless Foodette: Red Lantern Cake

Yesterday, The Brownie Whisperer and I got together to create a cake filled with rage and buttercream. It was the sequel to the blue lantern cake that he soloed with last week, and soon to be preceded by something even more amazing…when I think of something to create.

The cake recipe was adapted from the guy who got his ass kicked by Bobby Flay, Cake Man Raven, who inexplicably spells his name “Cakeman,” like caveman but pussier. Regardless, here’s the recipe.

I will warn you- concentrated food gel is bullshit. The lady said we’d be able to color it with a toothpick’s worth- the entire cake took the whole bottle. Like fuck it worked.

Ingredients (serves 2-10)
2 1/2 cups of cake flour
1 1/2 cups of granulated sugar
1 teaspoon of baking soda
1 teaspoon of fine salt
1 tablespoon of cocoa powder
1 cup of buttermilk
2 eggs
1 teaspoon of vinegar (white distilled)
1 1/2 cups of vegetable oil
An assload of red food coloring
1 tsp. of vanilla extract

4 cups of confectioner’s sugar
1 lb. of cream cheese (room temperature)
1 lb. of butter (softened)
2 tsp. of vanilla. extract
Cinnamon to taste
More red dye

1. Sift together all dry ingredients- the first 5 on the list.
2. Add liquid in an electric mixing bowl and beat on medium speed until well incorporated.
3. Slowly add dry ingredients to bowl, until all ingredients are combined.
4. Bake for 35 minutes at 350 degrees.
5. For the frosting, mix together the cream cheese, cinnamon and the softened butter. Partition off roughly 3/4 of a cup for the “blood” middle.
6. Gradually add confectioners sugar until it reaches desired sweetness and smoothness.
7. Add 2 teaspoons of vanilla extract and frost the cake.
8. Mix red dye into blood and add milk until frosting reaches liquidy consistency. Frost cake with white, blood in moat on middle layer (see photo) and white on top. Garnish with fondant symbol.

Catch bad guys red-handed. No photos of me. I’m not pretty.

Trader Joe’s Cream Cheese Stuffed Buffalo Chicken Breasts

Rachel, this one’s for you. One of my amazing bloggy friends commented on my recipes with a mutual detestation for mayo, so I went out to find her an amazing treat that I knew she’d love. I loved it, too. That treat turned out to be a find from The Brownie Whisperer raving madly about these chickens from Trader Joe’s stuffed with cream cheese. And yes, I realize that this is the worst photo in the world. If you hate it, buy me a goddamn camera.

He took me home, and cooked me up a chicken. They’re bigger than I thought they’d be. They’re not nugget sized, like I assumed, but a little bigger than a regular cutlet, I’d say, eight inches long, maybe two across. Either way, they’re hefty.

The chicken is coated in panko bread crumbs, so it’s really crunchy, and a buffalo seasoning. It took thirty five minutes exactly to cook this in the oven, but it’s worth the wait. When we took it out, the cream cheese was oozing out the sides. It looked fantastic. I waited for it to cool, and then dug in.

The first thing you notice with these is the crunch of the panko. The chicken is easy to saw through and just gushes cream cheese. The buffalo flavoring is subtle. It’s noticeable, but doesn’t take away from the taste of the chicken or the cream cheese. The cheese is delicious and creamy, the perfect filler in here. Every bite has a nice amount of cream cheese in it.

My only complaint was that it’s an awfully messy food, so it’s not ideal for on the go, but I think that if I had to have a last meal, it just might be two of these in a baguette or a hoagie roll with some cheese on top! They would make an amazing sandwich. And the coolest part about these is that the chicken is local, from a town not too far from my own.

9/10- MMMMM!

Deli Manjoo

Here’s a funky little treat for New Yorkers in Chinatown. It’s called Deli Manjoo. It’s a Korean-based company that makes fresh cakes in front of you to eat. It’s probably the most amazing thing I’ve ever encountered.

Everyone loves Twinkies, but hates how cheap they are. These are the gourmet answer to a Twinkie. The cake is just a little more dense, the cream isn’t that fake whipped cream bullshit, it’s custard, and best of all, they’re bite-sized for easy eating.

The price is upsettingly inexpensive, too. At $2 for 8 cakes, it’s just impossible to pass up. They’re able to be ordered in walnut and plain.

I got mine plain. When eaten hot, the cake was lovely. Not too sweet, which served as the perfect pair to the sweet, thick custard. It was chewy and dense, like a pound cake. They’re adorable, too, like the poor man’s petit four, and are shaped like little ears of corn. The custard was hot and gooey and gushed out of the cake, but was still very tasty. Eat these with milk. You’ve been warned.

Cold, they’re good. Cake is still very dense and not mushy in the least. And the cream has solidified so you can eat it in a more portable fashion. A great and cheap little treat for the road!

8/10- LOVELY

Kraft Oreo Brownie

This brownie was eaten in a movie theatre. It boasts Oreo pieces, like in the photo, but lacks them. It looks just like a regular brownie, come to think of it.

If you like thick brownies, this is a good treat for you. It’s a pretty chewy, cake-like brownie. It tastes thick and cakey but doesn’t crumble all over the place. I’m not sure how this is accomplished, but it manages to keep the taste of Oreo without actually having a large amount of Oreo chunks to begin with. If there were any, I really didn’t taste them. The brownie encompasses six good-sized mouthfuls. It was good, just not great. I wasn’t impressed or excited. It was just an average brownie with a gourmet price tag of $2.50.

4/10- MEH