Snyder’s of Hanover EatSmart Tres Bean Dip


Image Copyright Snyder’s of Hanover

Today, the sun was out, and it was a good day to eat nachos.

My mom had bought some dip at the store with tortilla chips, and I was eager to try it.

I made my all-time standard- chips, dip, cheese, and sour cream.

And this dip is fucking incredible.

I’m very particular about my dips. I don’t really like salsa because of the chunks. I don’t even like chunky marinara sauce. I don’t like seven-layer dips, because of the chunks, so I was worried about this dip.

When you open the jar, you’re hit with a wonderful, spicy aroma. And no chunks. It’s a smooth, tasty dip with three beans. I couldn’t taste the lime they advertised, but the jalapenos were there and added some great heat.

Warmed up, this dip is spectacular, but cold, it’s great, too. It’s perfect. It’s the low-fat equivalent, actually, no fat equivalent to the gross dips I like- the cheesy, oniony ones, and it doesn’t taste like you’re chewing on veggies, either.

Take this dip. Worship it, and then pile it on chips with cheese and melt it. You will not regret this dip. It’s perfect.

10/10- ORGASMIC

Judson-Atkinson Bunny Mallows

Image Copyright Judson-Atkinson Candies

I don’t know why I picked this up, but it was early in the morning, it was free, and it was from the bank.

I trust the bank with candy.

It was obviously an Easter leftover. They had Tootsie Rolls, too, and I could have reviewed those, but nooooo, I wanted to do something interesting for the sake of the blooooog.

You people fucking owe me.

I brought it home. I stared at the bunny. He stared at me.

I ate him, fully expecting him to be exactly what he was advertised as- a marshmallow, giving some liberty for hardness as it was after Easter, but instead, I was treated to the cotton-candy flavor equivalent of fucking heroin injected into my tongue. This was definitely liquefied cotton candy. I can taste the Red Lake #9.

No go, Judson-Atkinson. I want free stuff.

1/10- GROSS

Late Night Doritos: Tacos At Midnight

Image Copyright Frito Lay

I tried them! I finally tried them!

You don’t know how excited I was to finally find these in a store in my crappy New England town- a town that can only dream of the Midwestern delicacies and snacks that it can never provide!

I slid on the laminated floor at Walgreens and collided into a mildly perturbed Food, screaming, “IT’S LATE NIGHT DORITOS! LATE NIGHT FOR LATE NIGHT STANDS! I FOUND THEM!”

He took me home. With my Doritos.

I was really excited to try these- after all, so many blogs had lauded them! I opened the bag and inhaled, and they smelled crisp and fresh and like a real, live taco- with the sour cream.

I ate them, and they were good. But alas, it might have been my euphoria, or perhaps the fact that I ate all the obnoxiously seasoned ones, but I got tired of them. I was sad.

My late night tacos with greasy grease, nevermore…

6/10- OKAY

Rudoloh’s OnYums Hot Flavored Rings


Image Copyright Rudolph Foods

Here’s another dollar store bonanza. If we keep getting gems like these, we’ll have to create a series: “Living and Dying on a Buck: Dollar Store Snacks”

There were a few flavors of these, but we were intrigued by hot sauce and kept saying the name “Onnnyoooohms” over and over in the car.

These were fucking gross. Upon opening the bag, we smelled lots of vinegar, like, a bottle’s worth of douche. Groooossss.

The Ooooonnnyoooohms- ‘scuse me, Onyums, were bright, bright red, like they were dipped in nuclear waste. They looked like they had a legitimately good Funyun style texture, but that was quickly unnoticeable when you ate them, because you were pummeled with the hottest, burning sensation. It was like eating pepper spray.

I might go back and try their other flavors, because they seemed like there was a good base to them. They were also the only snack food I’ve ever seen whose website sold snack seasoning in bulk.

Pro tip: It looks a bit like crack cocaine, only it tastes like sour cream and onion.

1/10- HORRID

Brim’s Fireballs


Image Copyright Taquitos

Food and I stopped at the dollar store for a little R and R in the air-conditioning, to gawk at the colorful customers and scout out strange things to buy and eat. We walked out with Harry Potter glasses, a Windex-flavored drink, and these.

I had seen Brim’s stuff on Taquitos, and I was intrigued. I love things in cans, and I live for cheese balls. We opened them up in the car, prompting the ever-popular “balls between my legs” joke that we carried on for another hour or so.

They are bright red and take on the appearance of those old Cheetos asteroids, the hot flavored ones. They don’t smell very hot. On the outside of the box is a passage from Isaiah, which we liked considering it’s a product that calls itself fiery cheese-flavored balls.

They tasted like packing peanuts with hot sauce, but weren’t really hot. If you wanted heat, you had to eat a lot of them, which Food stopped, because he said it was gross-looking to watch me try and eke the hot out of the balls.

Ha ha. Balls.

There wasn’t much flavor, except the occasional change in texture with a hard corn thing. Nothing special. Brim’s website has the usual subsections- products, news, and ETERNAL LIFE. And sweet and spicy pork cracklins’. Their flavors fascinate me. I want more.

I long to live in the South.

2/10- CRAP

Lindt Excellence Pistachio


We bought this bar to finish off our pizza with, because it was a lovely day.

I felt it. It was a heavy bar, with a really nice feeling to it, and when we unwrapped it, I was surprised and delighted to find out that it had little pods.

The pods made the bar. The almond creme, as it advertised, was nicely pooled instead of smushed down in a bar, and sat a nice green pistachio in the middle.

Lindt chocolate is just excellent. I mean, compared to so many others, it’s just smooth, creamy, no bitterness, and just delicious. I like it a lot. The flavors went really well together. I didn’t really know where the almond flavoring was, but the texture was like a marzipan as opposed to a creme.

It’s a good bar. I like their other flavors and hope to see more pod-bars soon.

9/10- WILL BUY AGAIN

eRev Obscene Energy Pack

Food and I went out late last night and bought these drinks at a 7-11 for a buck apiece. We were intrigued because they were marketed as obscene. I didn’t know how to feel about drinking an obscenely flavored beverage, but was nonetheless piqued.

We bought four flavors- original, sugar-free, grape, and orange.

We soon figured out why it was a buck apiece. The original tasted like boiled and liquified candy necklaces with bitter, bitter aftertastes to them. Food did not feel like a T-Rex as we thought he would after drinking the obscenely flavored drink.

Sugar-free was the same. Same bite, more chemicals.

Grape was the biggest personal disappointment for me, because I was almost one hundred percent sure that it would taste just like my favorite discontinued soda, Mountain Dew Pitch Black and PB II. It just tasted like gross Fanta with chemically tastes to it. Huge failure.

Orange was surprisingly good, tasted almost like tangerines, fresh taste to it. Still that energy drink taste, but it was almost perfectly masked by the fresh orange taste.

These were a dollar for a reason. I couldn’t see myself getting addicted to them like SoBe or Arizona juices, even though they were cheap and tasty. The aftertaste was too gross to get hooked onto.

4/10- GROSS

Starbursts Extravaganza: FaveRed Fruits Chews and Sour Gummibursts

These are funky. I found these two flavors for two for $1.69 apiece.

The sour gummies are heavily advertised, especially during the hours I watch TV, it seems. There are supposed to be four flavors in the bag, and it looks like I managed to bag all of them. In the package there are ten gummies, each about the size of a quarter.

They’re advertised with strawberry, watermelon, orange tangerine, and green apple. They’re a harder gummy, with a slightly pasty outer flavor. There’s a definite aftertaste in the green apple. The liquid is not very sour. My guest reviewer, The Food to my Foodette, and I have high tolerance to sour things, so we didn’t think these were really shocking.

The strawberry tastes just like a Twizzler…same sandy outer texture, same funky aftertaste, almost bitter, with a nice reddish color.

I was most excited to try the orange tangerine flavor, and was happy to discover that it did have a distinct orange taste, but there was something off about it, with a taste that I can only unfortunately liken to the exact flavor of ramen noodles and floor cleaner.

The watermelon was the standard for all watermelon flavored candies, tasted like artificial colors and flavoring. Not much of an aftertaste on this one, but very pasty. I decided that I didn’t like the texture of these after all.

3/10- APPALLING


I generally like Starbursts chews to their other little bastardizations, so I figured these would be good. It came with four flavors- strawberry, watermelon, fruit punch, and cherry. Felt like they didn’t come up with new flavors but took their leftover one-hit wonders with some of their standards and came up with the crappiest of candy mix tapes.

The Food thought the strawberry didn’t taste like strawberry. Neither did I. It tasted less like strawberry and more like a differently packaged watermelon-flavored burst.

The cherry was the standard cherry Starburst, which I really like, because it’s got that creamy taste to it that’s not sour, but takes the acidic edge off the flavor. Same color, reddish cream.

Food didn’t like the fruit punch. It tasted really chemically, like drinking a sweet flavor of bug spray. It had acidic moments which really grossed me out. Not a fan.

Watermelon, Food and I agreed, tasted like watermelon in candy form. The standard. It was creamy, like drinking a watermelon drink. I like that the Starbursts maintain that creamy taste to them. It’s tasty.

5/10- EH.

Taco Bell Nachos

Image Copyright Taco Bell

Today I had three bucks on me, so I decided to go and get nachos from Taco Bell. They have three varieties on their value menu, for 79, 89, and 99 cents.

The 79 cent nachos, affectionately known as the triple layer nachos, were covered in a mix of refried beans, cheese, and red sauce. Not sure if I’d count “red sauce” as a layer, but whatever. These are good, and only good if made fresh out of the oven. I’ve had these before, and they were delicious. The chips all had ample amounts of topping scooped on, and there was extra leftover to be eaten with a fork. But these nachos were gross. They’d obviously been sitting out for a while, because the cheese had a skin over it and the chips that were covered with topping had reached the consistency of warm noodles. It reached the point where I wasn’t able to pick them up anymore because they were completely limp and falling apart.

3/10- ICKY

The 89 cent nachos were the beefy five layer nachos, and they were quite good. These were freshly made. Either they have a separate distribution for these or they just ran out of triple layer nachos to plop beef on, but the chips were as they always are- translucent with grease and deliciously salty, and covered in the same toppings as the triple layer nachos with the addition of seasoned beef and shredded cheese.

I like the way my local Taco Bell makes these, because the beef is so deliciously tender. It’s not chunky or gloppy beef. It’s just the right amount of moisture and makes the meal delicious, like eating the perfect, tiny taco.
8/10- DELICIOUS

The 99 cent nachos were the same as the others- standard cheese, sauce, and bean base, but no shredded beef and tomatoes, guacamole, and sour cream. Think of a seven layer dip. That’s what this is. Unfortunately, my toppings seemed to be squirted out by a mechanical squirter in perfect dollops, because there was a section for each topping, instead of being evenly distributed across the chips. There was a lot of topping. I almost wish the veggie and seven-layer stuff had been under a layer of chips with the gooey part on top, as the rest didn’t seem to hold up well.

5/10- AVERAGE

All in all, these were some okay nachos. Could I make better? Yes. For less than a buck? No. That’s why we eat them. They’re cheap and filling and sometimes taste good. The Chihuahua liked them. Why not me?

Foodette

Upcoming week…

My week in reviews…upcoming foods.

Ideas and suggestions appreciated and encouraged!

Today- Taco Bell Value Nachos
Thursday- Domino’s Macaroni and Cheese BreadBowl
Friday- Homemade recipe reviews! Homemade pizza and berry tart
Saturday- Chicken Ranch Tendercrisp from Burger King
Sunday- Sipper Sunday…a drink!

Ideas, please! Next week is Dancing Deer Week!

Foodette