The universe conspired against this post from the start. First, by introducing a drink at a time of year, what with climate change and all, that I’m tempted to call ‘Summer II: The Reckoning,’ Dunkin’ has failed before the eponymous holiday tree has hit the ground running. But, as both a red velvet aficionado and a staunch opponent of solid food, I soldiered on to my local Dunkin’ Donuts to try their new red velvet latte.
Continue reading “Dunkin’ Donuts Red Velvet Latte”
As part of my extended, extended, extended, four years running resolution to get fit, I’ve joined the gym again. Note that nowhere in that sentence, does it claim how much weight I’ve lost or how many pounds I can lift or craigslist-esque bathroom mirror photos of me flexing with my shirt off. One of my biggest pet peeves is people who indirectly brag about their gym success while all the while looking like enormous fatasses. Only when you lose the weight with effort and an awesome trainer (pics or it didn’t happen) can you effectively brag. (And yes, I listened to the entire Karate Kid soundtrack while photographing this. Be jealous.)
But yes, the fact still remains that I have joined the gym. And to get my money’s worth, I must actually go to the gym. Sometimes this takes a little motivation, like going when I know there’s a block of my favorite Food Network shows, or having an especially long session before a large or special dinner, but sometimes I’m just too damned tired. And when water and electroshock therapy don’t do the trick, out comes a coffee or, in the worst case scenario, an energy drink. When a package from ARMA Energy SNX arrived at the house today, I decided to test out their energy-infused snacks to see if they’d be a part of my gym repertoire.
The most appealing flavor, C4, housed in a durable missile shell-shaped can with graphic enhancements that overcompensate for its size, featured a mixture of chocolate, caramel, cookie, and caffeine mix and a fun fact on the side to boot. Did you know that ARMA Energy is a premium energy drink? Already, I can see an issue with using these as an energy supplement before exercise. By having a pack of these as a snack, you’re downing 380 calories and 40% of your daily recommended value of saturated fat before you even hit the treadmill. For someone on a reduced calorie diet, it’s not ideal. And even as a regular snack on a 2,000 calories a day, it eats up quite a lot and amounts to roughly two candy bars’ worth of calories.
As you know, I have no problem indulging if something is delicious and unique enough. Unfortunately, the end result tastes like the remnants of a Halloween haul on November 30th. All the quality, brand-name stuff is gone, leaving behind melted unwrapped hunks of sugary caramel, off-brand chocolate that crumbles and stale cookies. While I admire the snack’s ability to put “energy” or at least a ton of vitamins into its contents without imparting a metallic flavor, the flavor that is there is basically nonexistent and one-noted.
The uncoated cookies seemed a little redundant when mixed in with the chocolate-covered cookies but provided a little visual contrast. This certainly didn’t live up to its explosive name and had a flavor more akin to a knockoff Twix bar– grainy, overly sweet, and hideously chewy like the bastard son of a Tootsie Roll. As far as an energy peak, despite collecting the full set of B vitamins, I experienced no more of a peak in my workout than if I had eaten a candy bar. Just a sugar rush and inevitable crash culminating in my passing out in front of Modern Family. Not something that I’d consider a viable energy source or even a decent snack after a workout.
Now that the weather is humid, I sent my non-copyrighted Foodette Signal out into the sky, silently beckoning to companies and humans everywhere to please, assuage this shitty summer heat and help me out. The folks at Keurig heard me and from the sky, down came a Keurig Mini Brewer and an assortment of K-Cups. (I still maintain the opinion that “K-Cup” sounds like an off-brand plus sized version of the Diva Cup, but that’s probably why I’m not in advertising.The Keurig Mini is small, small enough to wedge comfortably in between most of our appliances and has the added bonus of looking like a small robot dinosaur when opened. This effect is only enhanced with the silver paintjob and additional stickers I added to its exterior. So far, I liked it. It came with an instructional booklet with the detail of your average BMW user’s manual. The machine was relatively easy to use, to the point where I simply tossed the booklet (gasp!) and started making a cup of iced tea.I was under the impression that the “brew over ice” function was an attachable piece to add on to the machine, much like a Leatherwood Hi-Lux M30 Red Dot sight or a bicycle horn, but it wasn’t so much of an accessory as it was a concept and repackaged version of what the Keurig had before. The BOI Kups (Haaaaaa!) come in all sorts of flavors. I went ahead and prepared the Southern Sweet Tea. Oddly enough, despite the instructions and press releases that the cups are “specially blended” and proportioned for usage over ice, there is no indicator as to which setting or ideal amount of water I ought to use for them. I know that part of the concept of all-inclusive customization is to be able to freely adjust the amount of water you wish to use, but the formula tends to be somewhat murky as to when that should be lessened for the BOI function.
The water reservoir at the top of the machine is monochromatic with an incomprehensible detachable piece for determining how much water is in the machine. Being used to clear, easy-to-read dials on the side of the Mr. Coffee, I was thrown back by this accessory. It looked like something I’d have used in the Middle Ages as a rain gauge. And as a result of my blind guesswork and lack of inclination to pull out the measuring cups, I ended up with watery iced tea.
With a machine as specialized and focused on variety as this, the fuzzy detail in water measurement isn’t a big deal if you drink coffee every day and have a specific mug that you use. You can easily just measure your water in that and then use it to brew the coffee. With the BOI, it tends to be a different story, as you then have to allocate for the amount of water you want to use, the water you’re going to displace when you add the ice, and then the extra water you’ll add from the ice, melted when the beverage brews. And the most realistic amount for a cup of iced tea, a 12 oz. glass with 4 ice cubes, is too large to fit underneath the dispenser. All smaller cups, like the one shown above, overflowed when I tried to brew with them. What gives? It seems like this isn’t engineered for iced beverages at all. Not only have I still not found the ratio I desire in a cold drink, I’m now relegated to the couch at night because I keep mumbling about BOIs in my sleep.There is a silver lining to every Keurig, though. Keepitcoming Love, who was initially sworn against the Keurig, has found it immensely simple to use and appreciates the varied gear they sell to mix up your morning cup of joe. As for me, I’m going to have to keep tinkering with it to reach my ideal.Special thanks to the folks at Keurig’s PR team for hooking me up with this gadget! They didn’t pay me to write this, but I might have propositioned one or more of their coffee machines one drunken night. It’s okay, the machines aren’t on payroll.
Are you tired all the time?Do you sleep when you’re supposed to be doing awesome stuff?Well, kiss those biceps, baby- or what WILL be, because avitae can KILL SLEEP!You want this.
Let’s clear a few things up before we start the review. First off, HOLY SHIT, THAT’S A REAL WORD. I was about to lump it into my conglomerate of foor-related neologisms that are made up and usually trademarked for the sake of advertising. Notable examples include “cherimoya,” (African for “tap water”) and “sustainable.” But seeing a familiar nominative case, I dusted off my old Latin dictionary and discovered that avitae is a clever bastardization of the Latin word for life, vitae. Close. But no cigar.The incense cone shaped bottle provides as much caffeine as a can of diet soda and as much water as a regular bottle of Poland Spring. And for a buck and change, the added boost is worth the cost. Being adamantly sworn against the bulk of energy drinks, I found that I was both bereft of the lingering aftertaste of robot piss in my mouth and also quite alert and energized during my daily treadmill and my subsequent social activities.The best part about this is the aforementioned lack of bitterness. Because the only extra ingredient differentiating this from tap water is natural caffeine, there’s no additives to boost or discolor the flavor of the water in any way, thus eliminating the sour aftertaste from chemicals. This is just water, with no bells and whistles but for the caffeine. So I have the same general taste reaction to it as I do with most water- with absolutely no enthusiasm. But the added caffeine is a bonus and boosts my street cred versus showing up to the gym looking like a little girl with a can of Diet Coke. Epic win.
ARE YOU A GIANT PUSSY???
Do you feel like you’re IN A VEGETATIVE STATE LIKE TERRI SCHIAVO???
Do your friends make fun of you for NOT HAVING ENOUGH ENERGY???
Well, FEAR NO MORE. Because Ed Hardy Chocolate Rocks are HIGHLY CAFFEINATED and full of ENERGY ENERGY ENERGY to make you ENERGIZED.Ed Hardy Chocolate Rocks are CRAZY DELICIOUS and SCHIZOPHRENICALLY AWESOME. With 60% Dutch cocoa and a SHITTON OF CAFFEINE, five rocks packs as much of ONE CUP OF COFFEE.
YOU DON’T EVEN HAVE TO GO TO DUNKIN’ DONUTS TO GET THAT SHIT.
While most caffeinated products taste like BATTERY ACID, Ed Hardy Chocolate Rocks taste like they’re only SLIGHTLY ALKALOIDIC AND NOT AT ALL LIKE ROBOT PISS.
Ed Hardy Chocolate Rocks have PANTHERS PANTHERS PANTHERS on the box as well as a BULLDOG that makes you want to get SIX TATTOOS OF BULLDOGS ON YOUR PENIS. HOLY SHIT, THAT’S INCREDIBLE.Douze balles dans la peau…
Ed Hardy Chocolate Rocks will WHIP YOUR PANSY ASS INTO SHAPE LIKE VAL KILMER IN TOP GUN, BITCH. They will inspire you to GO TO GREAT HEIGHTS and become HARDER, BETTER, FASTER, STRONGER.
MORE THAN EVER!!!
If you like HIGH QUALITY MOUNTAIN FARMED SWISS CHOCOLATE, do not purchase Ed Hardy Chocolate Rocks. Son, they will DISAPPOINT! But if you want RAW INFANT SQUALLING HOT NINJA ENERGY, buy them NOW!!!