MTS Nutrition: Creamy Red Velvet Cake

I am officially back on the horse. I’m back at the gym, lifting to my heart’s content, and I’m gobbling protein like there’s no tomorrow. Huzzuh! So, we’re going to have a slight shift in the works for the next couple of weeks, beyond the rigmarole of whining about the bar, the lack of jobs, and the aesthetics of my current hovel. Given that I’ve decided to enter a powerlifting competition rapidly after a slightly debilitating surgery, I’m shifting gears ever so slightly to more of a health focus. There will be whey, people. There will be yogurt. There will be cookies that look like cookies and taste like a thousand children screaming of sugar deprivation.IMG_20160205_120647669Bear with me, and I will reward you with photos of my rotund body in neon-hued singlets. Continue reading

Top Five Food Destinations around Miami, FL (and some of the Keys, too)

Jonas? We don’t need no stinkin’ Jonas. Or for that matter, snow. When J and I are hellbent on going on a trip, we go. We had planned a weekend in Miami for five months. In between that fateful plan and our return, I had surgery, school started, job schedules changed, homework happened, and United cancelled our flight three times in anticipation of the blizzard of the century.12548921_10206931638424450_7969587063519986387_nI know you know these palm trees don’t lie, baby. Continue reading

Rhythm Superfoods Mango Habanero Kale Chips

Either I’m an idiot, or the kale industrial complex is pulling the veiny, tough greens over your eyes. And let me tell you, I nearly skirted the median this semester, so I’m pretty sure Big Kale is out to get you. My point is, I fought the slaw and the slaw won. Kale is no joke. Even when liberally smothered in my most favorite disguise of flavors, its natural, vegetal haunt shines through, like an unwashed natural body odor on an otherwise attractive frame.IMG_20160129_235721449 Continue reading

CTD Sports Isolicious: Fruity Cereal Crunch and Cinnamon Cereal Crunch

This review is generously brought to you by general anesthetic: making drinks pinker since this morning, after I had surgery, and rendering my words a little dumber each time. Foodette Reviews is filmed before a live studio audience, in bed.

Good news, it turns out they have WordPress in hell. Or do they? Not wishing to make you suffer through a multi-part, existential series in which you question my reality, mortality, and the overall being of man, I’ll let you in on a secret. My surgery was successful, I will live to lift another day. When that day will come is TBD, and until then, I’m living on my mattress, drinking cold-pressed juice and bespoke protein shakes like a motherfucker. True Life: I am very much an adult now. Cereal milk protein is my white whale, because on principle, I just don’t eat a lot of cereal any more. I take too much protein to chow down on cereal but it’s absolutely delicious and I could mainline it straight into my face.IMG_20160113_201407159 Continue reading

Tea-Rrific! Limited Batch Ice Cream Brown Butter Sticky Toffee

The first review of the new year isn’t always promising. And yes, it starts with a cheat. I’ve had a bag of kale chips, coconut chips, and three different flavors of whey sitting on my counter for a week now but decided to go for the kill and suffered greatly for it.IMG_20160107_223158754Mediocrity comes at a cost. Roughly $12, to be precise. Continue reading

Poached Egg & Goose Confit Breakfast Sandwiches // Hello, 2016

Happy New Year. I am taking today to quietly contemplate the beauty of food, the passage of the shitshow 2015 revealed itself to be, and stave off any impending emotions that come upon my realization that this year, I graduate, lose my cushy healthcare, take the bar, move again, or not move? I will also attempt to not kill myself in my first-ever fitness-based competition and complete the dry yet poignant and relevant novel that I have been working on since November, buy pet insurance, contribute to my IRA, cook more, and get a job. I have no resolutions. I have resolved myself to a bleak, exciting adulthood. That’s good enough for me.IMG_20160101_122447812But today, I’m taking a goddamned break. All of that comes later. Are you ready for this? Are you ready?

I’m not.untitled Continue reading

Lapsang Souchong Poached Apple Tart

I participated in an Ambassador Program on behalf of Influence Central for Hood Cream. I received product samples as well as a promotional item to thank me for my participation.

I guess I never spoke about the holidays, but sandwiched between the stress of the season and the trials and tribulations of finals, which make The Paper Chase look like Paper Moon, it slipped my consciousness as quickly as the turkey caused me to.IMG_20151125_144141946 Continue reading

#ad Jalapeno Pickled Mango, Ham, and Caramelized Onion Arepas

This shop has been compensated by Collective Bias, Inc. and its advertiser. All opinions are mine alone. #VivaLaMorena #CollectiveBias

70 to 0 in three days, like a reverse Bugatti. Thanks, November. To stave off a late-night case of the flu and use up all of the ingredients in my now-inoperable refrigerator, I whipped up some bacon caramelized onion, ham, and pickled mango arepas the other evening with Masarepa and La Morena pickled jalapenos; easy and very low maintenance. The components are easy, umami-laden, and can be swapped out like any other sandwich- meat, cheese, pickles, vegetables, and a two-minute homemade cornmeal bun.IMG_20151106_185324497 Continue reading

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Wagyu & Wine at the Capital Grille

A few weeks ago we descended upon the Capital Grille like two children in tuxedo jackets and stock market shorts and polo shirts taking aim on the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit and ordered a gazillion calories’ worth of food for the sake of science, market research, and to drum up social curiosity about the new and amazing promotion out there, Wagyu & Wine, running until the 22nd. There were burgers, oh, the glorious burgers. But first, let’s order some cocktails on an iPad and talk about the omnipresent table mini-lamp that all restaurants should adopt into their optimal food photo structure. Get ready for some mad mac gifs, baby.20151016_195509-ANIMATION
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Celestial Lattes: The Godfather

If in 2009, college-aged humans feared a zombie epidemic, in 2015 the mongering has surely turned to the transformation of the basic bitch. And dear readers, with the final sunset dawning over my apartment-turned-Starbucks, I must inform you with deep regret that I, too, have merrily joined the ranks of Lush-purchasing, pumpkin spice-consuming, scarf-adorned basics, and for that, I cannot apologize because I now communicate exclusively in emoticons.IMG_20151106_203336040A very birthday cake winky face teapot smiling poop to all of you. Continue reading