It’s funny how people change! You brace yourself for your daily panic attack in the middle of Whole Foods due to the bar exam, and it turns out the bar exam isn’t the source of the panic at all. What a pleasant surprise. Counterpoint: it’s because at checkout, the twee container of salted caramel butter you’ve just purchased, alongside four single-serving bagel triads (that is correct) and alcohol, has rung up for $7.00.
Maybe I don’t know what people are like, or maybe I haven’t checked my Google Analytics account in a long time, but perhaps you’re all butter magnates. Maybe it’s normal to spend 8% of your grocery bill on agitated cream and a picture of a cow. Maybe you married the heiress to Land-O-Lakes. But I fainted and I woke up to dreadlocks in my face, and normally, that’s not how I like to wake up. Continue reading
Before the Bar (BTB) the Bedfellow and I really, really liked to go to late-afternoon brunch, early morning breakfast noshes, daylight bagels chewed after a few seconds under the broiler. Doesn’t matter. N’importe quoi. Breakfast, the cheap bastion of uniform awakening, is my preferred meal of choice. And all the better if there’s a little alcohol involved. Nowadays I wake up like a normal person, I grab whatever I had the night before. That’s not proper, that’s not where my heart lies. There’s no place in that palate-awakening moment for leftover sushi or a half-cold slice of pizza. Continue reading
Guys, can I work forever?
> capitalism nods its head.
I am willfully omitting the fact that I came home on Friday at 7PM, fell asleep at 715, and did not wake up until Saturday at 10AM. My body, arbitrary rules! I love work, though. I think I’ve mentioned that. I’m rounding the middle of week two and I am still filled with a passionately irritating energy. Bar prep is improving even though Kaplan has socked me with my two least favorite topics first, property and evidence. It’s not unlike being on Fear Factor, though, so I’m eating the worms and cow intestines first and then saving the mildly unpalatable canned vegetables for later. It’s a delicious process.And now, beer. I have resisted the urge to drink this for breakfast, despite the fact that it is currently the most nutritious source of carbohydrates in the house. I have yet to go grocery shopping this week because the mangoes that are rotting in my fridge have gained sentience and mutinized my kitchen. That being said, if you have the wherewithal to do so, it would make a fine breakfast beer. This was my first exposure to 21st Amendment and what an exposure it was- pop tarts and beer kick bacon-flavored anything’s ass any day of the week. Continue reading
Let’s be honest, after two months, I had a solid break-up letter planned with a very airtight excuse. But I couldn’t do it. I had to announce to all three of you my graduation from law school, my fervent preparation for my weight lifting meet, and perhaps the most exciting news of all, the validation that comes with the newfound knowledge that I, the limbs, the entity, the contradiction, am employable. And as of yesterday, employed! As an attorney! Yes, me! This one!
Yes, in the midst of pulling on my TBD undergarments and chewing through eight hours of real property every day, I am also a brand new lawyer, working my dream job and learning a million new things. So how could I abandon you when there are so many new things to smuggle into the law school library and stress-eat? My days are occupied down to the minute and I could not be happier. My cortisol levels are licking up the schedule like it’s on fire every day of the week. I feel like this is what I needed, this complete dearth of idle time on my hands. Continue reading
Nobody forgets their first. Maybe it’s a cheeseburger, a lover, a car, a shitty job, or a dinner at the James Beard House. Maybe it’s beautiful or terrible or it lasts into the dregs of the night, but you don’t forget it, not easily, not in a lifetime. It’s an endless evening of piqued courses amidst weeks that turn up the same surroundings, over and over again. It’s a commercial break from a loop of Groundhog Day. We may be the same idiots we were when we walked into the James Beard House, but we were bracketed by strange and wonderful things. Continue reading
Chobani, as a long-time disordered consumer of yogurt, let me be the first to gently deliver this message: knock it off. For starters, you’re making Dannon and Yoplait feel bad. They’ve only just discovered that you can make cake into a flavor for people who think cake is shameful and want to capitalize it. You’re just going to confuse them. Also, I’m pretty sure that Bobby Flay has a monopoly on the concept, flavor, feeling, and etymology of “chipotle,” so you’ll be hearing from his lawyers. Continue reading
Today was a toast day. I haven’t baked bread in a long time, but I also haven’t been up to the Bedfellow’s house, either, so I decided to kill two birds with one lazy stone and go up to Western Massachusetts and get some bread from a bakery in the area for breakfast. We were lucky enough to snag one of their last daily loaves before they closed and ran out and we celebrated in proper weekend style with Wilco on the record player, cold brew with coffee ice cubes, and an array of jams, syrups, and toppings for our toast. Continue reading
Confession: I am not over pumpkin spice. I know, it’s February. I should be expounding upon the next flavor of the month, like whatever post-prandial sugary delight we’re supposed to foist upon President’s Day. Hamilton Herbs de Provence? The abhorrent mint-infused flash in the pan come St. Paddy’s Day? Fuck no, give me red velvet and give me pumpkin spice or give me death. That’s all I want. Winter is a dearth of seasonal flavors; starting with peppermint and rum raisin and ending with the lukewarm return to all things watermelon at the start of April. Continue reading
Yogurt is swiftly becoming the new dessert. It has tried for years. Yoplait attempted flattery through mimicry, Yo-Crunch tried to fool you with Oreos, and Chobani initiated a Ted Cruz-level smear campaign on watermelon by replacing it with yogurt. Also, all of those omnipresent fro-yo chains. They still exist, sheeple, wake up. Noosa is now expanding its creamy, cow-milked goodness to a sweeter line beyond fruit inclusions, featuring salted caramel in its smaller-format containers. Continue reading
I am officially back on the horse. I’m back at the gym, lifting to my heart’s content, and I’m gobbling protein like there’s no tomorrow. Huzzuh! So, we’re going to have a slight shift in the works for the next couple of weeks, beyond the rigmarole of whining about the bar, the lack of jobs, and the aesthetics of my current hovel. Given that I’ve decided to enter a powerlifting competition rapidly after a slightly debilitating surgery, I’m shifting gears ever so slightly to more of a health focus. There will be whey, people. There will be yogurt. There will be cookies that look like cookies and taste like a thousand children screaming of sugar deprivation.Bear with me, and I will reward you with photos of my rotund body in neon-hued singlets. Continue reading